My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
