at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There's a naked man in my car right now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
