Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
