There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
