i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i need to put some appletini on your dick
and you fell through a lawn chair
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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