I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The chlamydia really affected his face.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
