Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
