ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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