mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
