I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
