Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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