Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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