We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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