On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
