im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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