Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize