I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
