Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
