Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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