Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
