Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
