Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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