you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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