My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
