dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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