I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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