Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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