he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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