ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
