I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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