I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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