Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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