You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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