she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
