You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
