you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
