hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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