my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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