I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
