So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
