I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
