Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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