Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
A bitchslap is in order.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
