I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize