I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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