So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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