DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize