Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This house was built for laser tag.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
