its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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