Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
