I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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