shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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