I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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