My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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