How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
