I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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