Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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