Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize