My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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