U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
