Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
