No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
